First time on blogspot...wow...i never knew I had so much to say...well well...Hi everyone..welcome to me....
I wrote these words from my heart.....that day was not a good day at all...i was dealing with TOO much stuff...i had to get it out some kinda way right?..lol...
Lord what is wrong with me?..Why do I choose to let these things come to be?.....Things I know that are not good for my spiritual mind....Lord I need to have a pure heart......A peace of mind is the one thing I need to find.....I can't take feeling like this everyday...I can't continue my walk with you God..living this way.....Lord you know my heart..I know that you do.....You know my weaknesses, you know my downfalls, this much is true....So why do u let me stumble....let me do things I know are wrong...is it because you want me to be CONVICTED......?....so i can write you a passionate love song?...I know what I did was not of you...it's not in your character.... That was all me God...my flesh was my sin in that fact of the matter.....You told me to trust in you and you won't let me fall....You are a man of your Word Lord..so i believe you will give me your all...Just as I will give you mine....as long as i am a living vessel....on this earth....i am ready for my new life...thank God for my new BIRTH...In order for me to walk in my new light...it's some things that i have to put in order...some things that have to take flight....I have to let go of everything that satan used to try and stop my annointing...Satan you can't have me, you have to go....i can't let you win....I have some fruit to show......I have to be a new woman of power, grace, and INTEGRITY...but i can't do it by myself Jesus...i need you there with me.....When I stop..give me a push..when i fall ....pick me up again...be by my side... i need u to be there til the end...Just know i love you God....more than words could ever say...Wash me clean Lord...so that i will have a pure heart...at least a better day...ahead of me...i want to be...eternally...complete and free....of all the pain that will come my way...But as the word says im MORE than a conquerer because u strengthened me through Christ...who loves me according to his purpose.....Now i hope you know..without you...my life would be worthless .....
Whew ......ain't it a trip how God can use your abilities to do little things...like make a person smile who hasn't smiled all day..or use your arms to give someone a hug who hasn't been shown affection since they were kids...just......
Let him use ya....
Thass so hard to do right?....Let him use ya....how am I supposed to let God use me when I'm so messed up inside?....What is he going to use?....my mind (it aint right)....my tongue (that showl aint right)...my spirit (Lord..please)....but don't get it twisted...I am willing to bet that you are no where near where God needs you to be...that's where prayer and studying will take you...you just gotta...let him use ya...lol...wow..when that tv has those good shows on...turn it off..let him use ya...when that man calls u at 1:00 in the am wanting to come over....invite him in...let the Lord use ya...when ever someone rubs u the wrong way at work ....smile..and let him use ya..lol...easy to say right?..not easy to do....It's Just....
I dont know....some days i feel like i can't be what God wants me to be..it makes me MAD sad....i have cried all day ....or all night...just for the simple fact that i KNOW im not doing what i need to be doing...im not being the witness that he needs me to be...im not being the person that i used to be....always in the Word...hungry for knowledge of him...sometimes i feel like im neglecting him.....WHOA...that is very hard to say....or accept...im neglecting God...that aint right...so now that i realize it..what do i need to do?..."sigh"....Lord give me strength, guidance...and PATIENCE..whew...
ANTYWAY...ive said enough..im tired....
another day...another way...Meek
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11 comments:
Meek Meek,
Glad to see you in our lil blog world. It's about time you got in here. I feel you on the things you wrote. This life is not easy. But it's worth it. Hope to see more of your posts in the near future!
Nathan,
Thanks sweetie..i know right...it is about time..well..im here now..try and make me leave ....lol...
greetings my new perception friend~receptive expressive beautifully real...darted over at nathan's suggestion and am i ever glad i did and sho glad you're here to stay.
wow meeka. hi, my name is kirsten & i'm a blogging friend of nathan's. welcome to our world! ;o)
be prepared to be loved on like crazy, to have people you've never seen in person affirm God's truth for you.
thank you for sharing from your heart so honestly, & in such a raw and tender way. i don't know that there's any of us who haven't felt that way: who have felt like we're big screw-ups, who feel like disappointments, who feel as though God must be up there scowling at us, telling us to pick ourselves up by our bootstraps & do better.
but i don't think that's God at all. it's hard to believe for me sometimes, but (there's a whole lotta story behind this which i won't get into on your comments) i've come to believe that even when we feel this way, when we fall & sin in our choices & actions, He still loves us tenderly ... not in a way that condones what we're doing, but in a way that desperately desires for us to choose what's best for us, those things He wants for us. i read somewhere recently [and i'm paraphrasing here] that it just might be that when we stumble & screw-up, then turn our hearts toward God again, that He can barely contain the joy of it. i know He knows your heart. and i know He loves it like crazy.
i so loved what you shared about opening yourself to being used by Him. to some extent, i think that's what we're all here for: to be used by Him to reach out & be a blessing to others, to embody Him in this crazy mixed-up world of ours. be encouraged: if david (who committed adultery & tried to cover it up with a murder) can still be a man after God's own heart ... i think God can use us as we are, exactly where we're at as long as we offer ourselves in the way you describe so beautifully. that's the beauty of God's power ... we don't need to come to him perfect, we just need to come.
and if i'm not mistaken, that's exactly what you're doing here. being barefaced & unabashedly honest. it's so brave of you, you know? God can use that.
i hope i'm not going off here or saying too much (sometimes i've got a tendency to run off at the mouth and/or fingers when typing) ... but yeah. i don't know your circumstances, i don't know what caused the pain you're confronting, what is making you feel like you've got little to offer ... but you're here being real about it. and i'm pretty sure that's something God can use (because He's done the same for me).
love to you. thanks again for sharing so openly, with such raw honesty.
peace.
um, scuse me...but just want to say kirsten it is lovely how you pour yourself into others...being so very useful to God that way. blessings to you and perception i echo her thanks to you. these Kingdom connections really rock!
whoa. kirsten. that was inspired. seriously.
hi meeka . . . i'm christianne, a friend of nate's, too. so glad to meet you. glad you are joining this space. i echo what kirsten said: be prepared to have your socks blown off by the love and affirmation and truth-speaking you'll receive from this community. it's amazing. all done in grace.
i, too, think that you are exactly where He wants you. it sounds like you have walked a road you are not proud of and you don't quite know what to do with yourself now. it sounds like you know the worship you ought to bring to God but don't know why you don't always bring it. it sounds like you long for the love and passion and single-heartedness you used to display toward God and you're wondering if you can get back to it. maybe you're wondering if you can just will it to happen, if you will hard enough.
well. i gotta say, i understand that quandary. and you know what? i'm not so sure He wants to take us back to where we were before, in our infant love for Him. yes, He wants us to come to Him as children and love Him with the innocent love of a child. i'm not disputing that or even saying something in opposition to that. but what i am saying is that it's all about growth and getting deeper and deeper into the truth of our hearts.
for whatever reason, there is something deep in us, beyond our knowing, that caused us to make the decisions we did that landed us where we landed, far from what we thought we were and what we thought we wanted. and that's because the heart runs deep and is mysterious, whereas sometimes the truths we believe in our faith are more in our head than at those deep, core places. so now God rubs His hands together and gets to say, "alright! now we're working with what's really there." and that's growth. that's going deeper into truth. He desires truth in the inmost being, you know?
so i guess instead of willing ourselves back to an innocent time (which i have found myself often wishing for myself), maybe what He wants is for us to say, "yes, Lord. this is the truth of me. something inside me wanted to stray. help me to uncover why that is, as it is a truth You already know about me but i have yet to fully understand. and then, piece by piece, help me walk with You in replacing that part of my fallenness or healing that part of my woundedness so that it is more fully textured and rooted by love and truth in You."
peace to you, meeka. i'm glad our paths have crossed. please forgive anything i've said here that isn't truly you, if i've misstepped somehow or been too bold in my suggestions. take what is true and let Him love you there.
hi meeka. most of what i'm thinking has already been said here better than i would have. i'm glad to have you here.
personally, all i can take when i think of this perfect awesome being in relation to me and my feeble efforts is just this moment. i know i will mess it up, and i also know that what he wants more than my cleaned up life is my utter willingness. a heart and a posture that is turned towards him. you clearly have that. bless you sister.
i appreciate all the love...thank you all..looking forward to blogging with you all...blessings...
Hello Meeka,
I am Shriyaa, Nathan introduced me to your newly born Blog. And this is what i observed, You are indeed very Pure, Honest and Innocent at heart, so you needn't be worried about the situations that push you over the edge. You'll still retain your chastity.
Another thing i wanted to ask...
You seem to be mentioning God too much in your writes.. Who is God according to you? (please dont tell me God is Jesus. That's what you've been told since you were born. But Who according to your heart and soul is he?)
And welcome to the world of Words, thoughts, feelings and beyond... :)
Keep pouring.
shriyaa,
First I just want to say that I could never mention God "too much" b/c he is more than that to me...God is the reason why i want to wake up everyday...without thinking the unthinkable to prevent that...God is the reason why I haven't lost my mind in these past couple of months while not having a job...no money, no one to help me...God is the reason why I have the will and the brain and the knowledge to do things myself (with his guidance)...God is the reason why the past couple of months I've had no money, but I haven't been wanting for anything...food never ran out...lights/water never disconnected..even my cable is still on..lol..and when it wasn't I was still blessed..now who else would I praise in the midst of all of my storms..nobody but him..so i'm sorry if i get long winded about the goodness of my Father...(yes I am his daughter...im a part of the mispakah (divine family)...royalty)...but..u know i can't help it..so yea...that's who he is to me..and more..
di & christianne - thanks for that affirmation. i couldn't believe seeing those words pouring out of me.
meeka - you are so loved, sister. peace to you this day!!!
-k
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